A man’s guide to periods.

As I’m sure you are aware women go ‘on the rag’ once a month and during this time a lot of you guys are completely clueless. Some of you do and say some truly idiotic things and even the men with some basic tact know very little about this thing that half the population puts up with for their reproductive life.

I am here to give a handy bite sized guide! Here is a list of helpful facts and pointers to help keep your testicles safely attached to your body during the  more temperamental part of a ladies cycle.

You’re welcome.

  1. Periods usually last between three and seven days.
  2. They occur about every 28 days but every lady has a unique cycle that can (usually) range between 21 and 35 days.
  3. Most woman have their first period as a teen with the average age being 13 years old. This is another thing that varies greatly, I had my first one at age 7. I might have thought I was dying at the time.
  4. Most woman crave chocolate, sweets and carbs. You get brownie points if these get brought to us without them being requested.
  5. This however DOES NOT mean that you suddenly get a pass to make fat jokes.
  6. PMS  is a real thing. It makes us really irritated and emotional so perhaps this isn’t the best time to be making cracks about not letting us run for prime minister. We won’t nuke Russia just because our poor hormone addled brain can’t handle Putin being a big meanie. (Though I might make an exception for Trump if I’m entirely honest.) We’re more likely to eat cookie dough and bitch at Germany for not putting the toilet seat down. Big difference!
  7. When we complain about cramps don’t mock us and tell us, “it can’t be that bad.” Instead bring us painkillers, a hot water bottle and a massive hug as soon as possible. Period cramps vary greatly from woman to woman. Some woman breeze through them without a care in the world and others (like myself) feel like they have a tiny demon trying to claw their way out of their lower stomach for five days every month. Fun times, right?
  8. Don’t make insulting or derogatory comments about our periods, even if we do. We can joke about them, you can’t. Imagine it in the same way as you talking about your mother. You can say what you like but everyone else has to keep their mouth firmly shut.
  9. The main methods of catching the flow are: tampons, sanitary towels and moon cups. Tampons are little wads of cotton that  we have to insert into our hoo-ha and come as either digitally (with a finger) inserted and applicator types which have a plastic or cardboard wrap that pushes it in. Sanitary towels are sticky backed pads with or without wings that just sit in our knickers. Moon cups are reusable silicone cups that get emptied and reinserted when ever they fill up. These need to be sterilised in boiling water at the end of each period ready for next month.
  10. It is perfectly okay for a man to buy sanitary products and if you do pick them up for us it is in fact very much appreciated.
  11. It’s not harmful to have sex during her period. In fact some women get hornier at that time of the month and are quite happy to throw down a towel and carry on regardless. Other ladies aren’t so keen on the idea, so in other words? Whatever works best for the couple in question.
  12. PMS isn’t just mood swings, we have plenty of other reasons to be grumpy. Some examples of these include: cramps, back ache, sore boobs, achy legs, bloating, headaches and even diarrhea. My advice? Don’t be another reason.
  13. The phrase “you can’t trust something that bleeds for seven days without dying” should NOT be uttered without the clear understanding that doing so might in fact result in bodily harm.
  14. When a man asks us if we are on our period because we seem pissed off only one word comes to mind, ‘arse hole.’
  15. The start of a new monthly cycle is the first day of the period.
  16. Ladies ovulate once per month, roughly 14 days before their next period is about to start. For example: if she has a 21 day cycle she will usually ovulate on day 7 or if she has a 30 day cycle she will probably ovulate on day 16. The egg is good for about 24 hours and sperm can live for up to 7 days. These 7 days when an egg and sperm might meet are called the ‘fertile window.’
  17. Having a period is an excellent sign that a woman is in good health and even though we complain about them they are very reassuring.
  18. If our period is late and we don’t want a baby we will panic, even if we used every form of contraception available. Even if you are literally about to shit yourself don’t show it because frankly we have enough to worry about. It may affect you in some ways but believe me its HER body and she is more than aware of the consequences.

There you have it, a very simple guide to periods to help prevent the bitch fest that comes from her PMS mixing with your tendency to be a clueless arse.

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