I’m embarrassed to admit that in my naivety, I always envisioned having a baby to be just a positive addition into my life, who would happily squeeze neatly into whatever plans I had with a giggle and a chirp. No problem. Boy, oh boy did I get a rude awakening. Don’t get me wrong, my girls are worth all of the sacrifices and more but I wish that I had been given a quick heads up on just how much was likely to change.
1. Long daily showers and hot bubble baths become a quick dunk to rinse off the worst of the milk, puke and poo before starting the cycle again. Mmmmm yummy Mummy.
2. Do you like eating food that takes more than 10 minutes to prepare? Tough. Now you have a baby forget about it. Ready meals, beans on toast and takeout seem good right? Hush now waistline, no-one asked your opinion.
3. Shaving…. Read above about showering. For the time being it’s time to get used to living in Chafe Lodge, Stubble Street, Wookie-Ville for you.
4. Eating out seems like a nice idea but the sleep deprivation and hormone tornado make pajamas, chocolate and pizza seem like the nicer idea. That’s before we get started on every trip beyond the front door requiring military precision to organise. Trust me on this.
5. Sleep, unless you are insanely lucky. With my eldest especially, those first six weeks were a breastfeeding, nappy changing, zombified Hell. At one point my partner and I even resorted to sleeping in shifts just to try and at least get a solid 2-3 hours. Sorry.
6. Sex when your mojo comes back. What’s this? My hormones have finally settled and I find the idea appealing again? Wahay! All aboard – choo choo……. WAHHHHHH! Oh well. Too tired anyway….. sigh.
7. Adult conversations about things that aren’t baby related (anything – seriously ANYTHING. I’ll even talk about spoons. Send help). Even when you do manage to get out of your pj’s and get a nice meal out without baby – you STILL end up obsessing how (s)he is and if the person in charge can cope. Even when said person has had: three kids, five grand kids and two great grand kids. Ahem. Crazy right?
8. Hobbies? What are this? Nope, remember there isn’t even time to pee.
9. Socializing is a tricky one. People who already have kids and babies will already be ridiculously busy and the ones who don’t probably won’t want to hear constant baby talk. However mother and baby groups are amazing, if you can mange to get out of the house on time.
10. Exercising because you’re way too sore, tired and yep you guessed it… screw that right now. If I have time its going on sleep, bubble baths and eating good food. Actually scratch those last two – it’s surprise nap o’clock.
11. Housework may not seem like a luxury but when you have a pile of dishes, a dirty laundry hamper full and baby clutter everywhere you will be desperate for a few hours to catch up and feel organised. Heaven forbid somebody should actually choose to visit!
12. Leaving the house in less than five minutes. You will get everything sorted then baby will either puke, poo or want feeding the second you go to step out of the door (bonus points if it’s all 3). Always aim to be ready 30 minutes before you need to go. It’s a rock and hard place scenario: do you get ready first and risk being thrown up on or do you get the baby ready first and risk poo and puke happening? News flash: it doesn’t matter someone (if not everyone) will certainly need changing.
13. Traveling light. Babies come with a lot of paraphernalia such as: prams, travel cots, clothes, toys and changing stuff so even a weekend away is like a military operation requiring a jumbo jet for the nappies alone.
14. Typing random lists on the internet whilst balancing a baby on your lap who insists upon slapping the keyhjfjhmtdctfmjyhf……………..
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