Hey guys, just a quick and be warned, slightly sweary post today. Still feel like crap from all the seizures and breathing issues but needed a quick OMG about it only being a week until I go back to work. Maternity goes so quick!
Oh God, it’s August.
Shit it’s actually mid August… How did this happen? Where did those eight and a half months go?!
Soon I will be venturing back into the work place. Excited at the thought of adult interactions yet dreading the thought of leaving my precious babies at home. Safe in their father’s capable and treasuring hands but still… At home. Not with me. Missing out on the mummy magic that is stress mixed with oodles of love and adoration. You know that thing where you parent your socks off and still feel inadequate and lacklustre by the end of the day? Yes, that.
I hope I’m sure most people can relate to having that feeling of, ‘oh God, what do I do now’ at least a few times out of each one hundred of their child care moments…. Just me…? Damn, I’d best not mention all the cursing under my breath I do then. Hem hem.
How is is possible to both dread and look forward to something in such equal abundance. Wow! That’s emotions right there, yes, definitely poorly defined emotions which are frankly sending me into a right tizzy. I love my girls but I need to feel like me again. I need to exist as a unique person again.
Not always mummy. Not always partner/wife. Sometimes Me!
Am I strange? Almost certainly in many ways, but from what I’ve heard many parents often feel the same way as myself in this particular instance. Ultimately behind my strong warrior woman stance I am a mother and I am afraid of missing out on my babies lives and all of their milestones, both big and small.
With my eldest, Evie, I missed her first steps and wept as soon as I thought it wouldn’t be noticed by my partner. I just managed to catch her first word (Daddy, as if it would have been anything else) literally seconds before leaving for work.
When you’re a working mother it becomes a fine tuned balance between being a constant and unchanging force in your child’s life and going out and earning an honest wage. This is all while doing the best you can to become what the world expects you to be. Which would be some variation on ‘the perfect mother’. Sorry World, that’s a delusion. Doesn’t exist, regardless of how far we all push ourselves to reach it. Often to our own detriment, sadly. Nothing like telling yourself how shit you are in comparison to little Suzie’s mother to bring on depression and anxiety.
Side note: You’re doing great, just ignore the idiots and enjoy your little bundle of joys and frustrations, while they are still small and cute. It seems to go so fast! We all screw up, even the parents who claim that they are 100% perfect and God’s gift to snotty noses and shitty bottoms… Don’t believe their arsehattery! Just smile, nod and then feel REALLY smug when you hear their kid being that normal variety of bratty child, that we all know and love (and have one or more of at home).
I am very fortunate to live in the UK where we get 12 months of maternity leave. (should we choose to take it) 9 months of which we get paid for; albeit at a reduced rate. I’m going back after the 9 months mark (part time) because we simply can’t afford to live without my wage. Full disclosure time.. We probably could manage quite well but life would be a lot less comfortable and I like the security of a wage of my own.
I know that many people will see me as selfish for going back to work now that I am a mother twice over. In fact a few people have told me that my kids should be my only ‘job’ and responsibility. I do hope that this little blog of mine will eventually earn me enough to facilitate staying home with my girls but you never can tell, especially this early in the game. Roll on when I can start calling this a job rather than my ‘silly mummy hobby’.
Back to work I go. Wish me luck!
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Thank you for reading!